These days, the solution to everything is: “You need better boundaries.”

A few years ago, I was in a tough dilemma with a relationship. I spoke to a relationship coach. Two hours and 1500 British pounds later, he asked me to cut this relationship out of my life and indicated I needed better boundaries.

I was pretty taken aback.

I did not ask for advice on whether to keep the relationship or not. I hired him to learn how to work within the relationship. Maybe I had terrible boundaries. But it was pretty clear to me that the relationship was important, and I wanted to learn how to face the challenges.

Therapy and self-help culture, for all its merits, created a modern obsession in our society with boundaries as a universal “how-to” solution without examining the real issue, the “what.”

We now say a relationship is ‘toxic’ even when it’s not. We say a boss is a ‘micromanager’ when they’re not. We say a work environment is ‘not psychologically safe’ when it’s your average workplace with everybody trying to do their best.

Boundaries have become our go-to defense strategy against work overwhelm and emotional triggers.

Don’t get me wrong—boundaries are pretty important, whether they’re set in a messy or refined way. I’m arguing against the current narrative of using boundaries as a defense strategy. Like using a hammer to open a bottle cap.

What if you don't need "better boundaries?"

What if you need to dig deeper and develop a clearer vision of "what you want" in your relationships, work, and commitments?

Boundaries are the means to your goals. Not the end goal.

I believe we should clarify the "What For" before the "How." I believe the way we use boundaries right now is defensive and distancing in relationships instead of creating deeper connections. I believe we need to set boundaries that respect our differentiation and connection, at the same time.

It's a tough ask, I understand. But the starting point is asking ourselves this:

"What am I looking to create in my relationships and work, if anything were possible?"