Leading Highly-Critical People

Highly critical people can be 'managed up' if you learn the art of leading.

Highly critical people trigger me. I feel dumb, incompetent, and insignificant in their presence. Previously, I would fight, avoid, or cut them off. But recently, I've learned to lead them. Perhaps you'd recognize the phenomenon partly as 'managing up, down, or across.'

Years ago, I had a client with whom every call ended with me feeling a bit crappy, doubtful of myself, and a pit in the stomach that I made a horrible mistake (if you're a client reading this, don't worry, you're not that person).

I took this to my coach and mentors. They said, "If you're left in that experience, probably everyone in their life has the same experience of him."

Boom. That was my cue to this person's psyche. It doesn't mean I had no work to do, and it was all their fault—not at all, there are no faults here—but a lesson about different kinds of energy signatures.

Being highly critical is a defense mechanism, as is feeling incompetent in the presence of such criticism. We learn these mechanisms as we grow up, perhaps to deal with a critical parent, belong to a smart peer group, cope with isolation, or earn a teacher's attention in school.

When we touch the edge of our comfort zones, which is precisely our goal in coaching conversations and really any work that demands more from us, everyone's defense mechanisms come alive. In this case, this client's critical energy and my lack-of-self-trust energy.

Yes, you can be selective about whom you work with, stop working with certain kinds of not-fun people, set up rules around personalities, etc. But that misses a whole range of things you can accomplish. A different possibility is where you know the art of leading every kind of energy signature, a possibility where you deeply connect with people, co-create amazing things, and build your career as you want to.

So, how to lead a person who's highly critical? I suggest two paths to work on simultaneously:

1. Deeply investigate your own defenses:

Where do you spiral into self-doubt? Where do you feel invalidated? How does that benefit you from dealing with uncertainty and change?

Inquiring and learning about your tendencies can help you transcend your reaction to highly critical people. From that place, you have the opportunity to deeply connect and re-direct the person in intentional ways.

2. See through to the highly critical person's essence and hold the energy:

The person has learned to show up with critical energy out of fear. That's their way of dealing with an out-of-control reality. I like to see the essence of brilliance behind it. They're attuned to the permutations and combinations that we cannot see. They see the impact of actions we cannot perceive. You can receive what they see without buying into their conviction that everything's a mistake. Hold their fear energy, and look at where you feel similar fear to bring out your empathy.

It's definitely not easy. It's a deep practice that, once taken on, opens up your capacity to work with all kinds of people. It's deeply fulfilling because you experience an abundance of connection, possibilities, and co-creation.

PS: A caveat- you can absolutely leave people who are not fun to hang out with. If you've done enough inner-work but you're still not able to tolerate a person, leaving the person may be good for your mental health and a better experience of life. My intention here is to show a way when there's scope and permission for leading such people.